


vent fic

by snsdfan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 23:17:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17089610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snsdfan/pseuds/snsdfan
Summary: jaemin hasnt been doing well





	vent fic

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! please readthe tags!! if this could be triggering pls dont read :(( stay safe hh im not romantisizing any of this , nd i am not diagnosing jaemin with any of this and this is all fictional and i wish him all the happiness in the world !! i just want my past experiences to be somewhere even if indirectly so here i am ig ,,

 

 

 

recently, jaemin's been feeling off.

 

it had started as a little gnaw in his stomach, something he could ignore, but over time it grew. and grew, and grew. what was once a minor inconvenience had grown into something so ugly and unbearable. something that now consumed jaemin during his every waking moment. 

 

that _something_ used to be the late night thoughts about hurting himself. the fleeting wonderings of how everyone else thought of him. the quick dreams of ending it all.

that _something_ was now horrible. it was all jaemin thought about. it controlled what he did, what he said, and so much more. jaemin hates that _something_ , but he knows it's what he deserves.

 

so yes, it's safe to say jaemin isn't who he used to be.

 

the others have noticed. at lunch, the other members send worried glances jaemin's way when he only eats a handful of blueberries. jeno always offers to give him piggyback rides after the gruelling practices. whenever jaemin needs to cover up his cuts, taeyong buys him the cute bandaids he likes. 

 

but none of them say anything. jaemin likes it like that, but he sometimes wonders if they stay quiet because he's too much trouble, because they don't really care. 

 

it's so hard for him to ignore the hole in his heart, the emptiness in his stomach.

 

he's not stupid, he's looked in the mirror. he knows he's ugly and annoying. his smile is too big, he has too much chub and not enough of the handsomeness that the fans want.

 

so that was why he decided to start starving himself. anything to be better, to be good enough. anything to be loved.

 

at first, it was horrible. his stomach would growl all the time and his body was sluggish and hot. he constantly cheated, sneaking in small bites of the hot meals and tempting desserts kun made each night. after, he'd go into the bathroom and run the faucet while he threw up what he had eaten. it usually made him feel hungrier and more horrible afterwards, so he soon was able to control himself.

 

it hurt, but not as bad as it would if he had done nothing.

 

but there are times, such as now, when jaemin wishes that he had eaten something.

 

he and the other dream members are in the middle of an intense workout routine set by their trainer. jaemin can't remember any of what it was, he's just trying his best to follow the others' actions

. 

_it hurts, it hurts, it hurts_. it hurts seeing the others chatting and being friends, when he has no one. it hurts, having to lift his weight in metal bars when he hasn't eaten in days.

 

sometimes, the burn of an empty stomach helps him to do better, but not today. today, it makes him sweaty and weak, and it weighs down on his limbs. he wonders why he's so stupid, why he didn't think to at least take a sip of water earlier today.

 

he knows he deserves the pain.

 

at the end of the day, jaemin hates himself too.

**Author's Note:**

> hhh pls take care of urselves!! if any of u ever have any problems im here !! u can slide into my dms here or my twt is @/jenothegamer hh


End file.
